i am not my mistakes

A difficult thing for me has been internalizing my worst moments as a reflection of who I am as a person. The goal in being able to buck this trend isn't to absolve myself from harmful past behaviors; far from it. Viewing these harms as inherent to who I am reductively keeps me stuck from learning from them, growing from them, and commiting myself to not repeating them. Replaying past harms over and over again does not change the fact that they happened. The work is not to refuse to identify them - it's to refuse to identify with them.

Such a difference can seem subtle, but the change in perspective that it creates is vast. I am working on viewing myself as an imperfect individual who is working on healing themselves. I have to view my past actions as clear-eyed as possible, but also be capable of extending myself grace when warranted. I must be willing to forgive myself for behaviors that came before the knowledge to prevent or avoid them. This forgiveness has to be conditional. I can't simply forgive myself and move on. I have to forgive myself as a step in the process of self improvement. I have to forgive myself in order to free myself from the trap of identifying with them.

By identifying with harmful behaviors, I doom my future self to commit the sins of the past. Each day I have the opportunity to begin again. Each day I have a blank slate with which to engage the world. What I do with that slate depends on how I view myself. If I internalize the negative behaviors as immutable traits, not only do I keep myself stuck in a negative spiral, but I almost assuredly will repeat the negative behaviors that have kept me so preoccupied.

I am a criminal defense attorney who deeply understands that bad moments do not define people. I understand that people have more depth and capacity for change than that. For some reason, when it comes to myself, I have difficulty extending that line of thinking. I am trying to view forgiving myself as a step in a transformative process. Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting. Forgiving myself is a kindness to the future me. When I acknowledge that I am not my mistakes because I have the capacity, willpower, and desire to grow from them, I finally feel their spell on me begin to break.

Forgiveness is what I would want from others, and I have to be willing to extend it to myself first and foremost. Forgiveness isn't a pass back into someone's good graces or back into someone's life, but letting go of hurt and pain that no longer serves me to dwell on. By forgiving myself I create the space to unconditionally offer forgiveness to others. To release pain and resentment. To allow the future to be shaped by what's yet to come instead of what has already came to be.