On Starting Over

Lately I have tried to remember that you can start over quite literally whenever you want. You can start over when you bottom out. You can start over when things appear fine on the surface. You can even start over right after you just started over. There's no rules for this and there doesn't have to be (unless you want there to be and you make them, which is also an option - how lovely!). There's such beauty in the autonomy that each day, hour, minute, or second you can make the choice to change your approach to something. I feel my disposition improve when I remind myself of this.

A big theme in my life lately is the unlearning/relearning dynamic. While someone's rebirth is typically portrayed as a sexy plot line that happens in about 90 minutes the reality is that this is a process that matriculates like sand falling from the top of an enormous hourglass. Change doesn't happen overnight. It doesn't happen because you realized something or finally understood something. It doesn't even happen after you do something different for the first time. It happens when you have the discipline to make it a practice. I am trying to be more mindful about what the word practice truly entails. Practice means a vision and a commitment, and the resolve to see them both through. So often my mind wants to go from point A to point B as fast as humanly possible. Reminding myself that things don't work that way is both incredibly silly and incredibly effective. It helps me have grace for where I am at. Lamenting what I was not was trapping me from becoming what I could be.

How I am feeling often is a reflection or embodiment of the physical space around me. For a spell it has felt like I have been living in a shell of who I previously was. I am not typically a woo woo type, but as I have reclaimed the space around me I have felt a shift in energy. When I think about it, though, this is intuitive. Places and spaces can hold memories from the past that serve as reminders for both good and bad. Changing my surroundings was my method of filtering out the memories and version of myself that I wanted to let go of. This too was a process that didn't happen overnight, as much as my impatience might have craved it to.

I shouldn't be too hard on myself for wanting the easy fix considering how much society conditions us to. I have decided to try to think of my state of being as permanently "very much a work in progress"to keep myself grounded where I am and oriented towards where I want to go. Why write about this? Writing is cathartic for me. Surely a bit of it has to do with how social media has conditioned us to believe everything we say and do is worthy of sharing. While it would be downright delightful to lift the spirits of anyone reading this, I write in this blog because it keeps me honest and accountable to myself. It's another tool for practicing what I want to embody.

I'm going to speak writing more (especially on non-me subjects) into existence. One thing I hope to do is shine a light on what my proximity to the punishment bureaucracy affords me. That should mean more stuff on policing, the criminalization of youth, student discipline hearings, etc.. Like most good things, this will take time. :)