one foot in front of the other

"Forward, not backward" is something that I have been repeating to myself a lot lately. It's always been difficult for me to not be stuck in the past - trapped by a decision or moment that I continue to replay in my head over and over. The grief comes in waves. There are moments where I feel optimistic and hopeful. Other days it's a struggle to even get out of bed. My tribulations simultaneously feel trivial (compared to everything else happening in the world) and overwhelming.

The hardest part of healing has been forgiving myself for the actions of the version of me that existed before I embarked on the journey of inner work. There are days where the rumination never seems to cease. "Forward, not backward," I tell myself. One foot in front of the other.

I never thought I would lose my best friend, my confidant, the person that I thought I would grow old with. They say time heals all wounds, but I would be lying if I didn't say that I have my doubts. There are days where the pain feels so deep that I question whether any amount of time will be sufficient. I try to preoccupy myself - a daily yoga practice, walks when the weather cooperates, weightlifting, spin classes, time with friends. While these things are helpful, they only seem to temporarily dull the hurt that returns the moment I'm snapped back into reality by something that reminds me of the life that no longer exists.

I know I am healing. I know that the healing process isn't linear. These truths don't make the journey any easier. There's a fine line between rumination and self-reflection. While I continue to work on the former, I have resolved to utilize the latter to learn and grow from my past. I might not be able to save the relationship that was lost, but I know I will be better equipped for whatever comes next. Forward, not backward. One foot in front of the other.