owning your okayness

I was the type of person who would roll my eyes when hearing about self-love. I convinced myself that talking about self-love was something that only cynics did, glomming on to whatever pop psych concept was trending on social media. Under the surface, it was because I had no conceptualization of what self-love was. Throughout my entire life self-love had been an idea that existed only in the abstract. It took a great deal of soul searching, but it finally hit me that I had spent most of my time seeking validation everywhere besides within myself.

The nefarious thing about basing your worth on external validation is that there is no amount that will sate your thirst for approval. You will always be seeking out your next source of admiration while you tell yourself that this will finally be the thing that proves your worth. This realization has allowed me to heal in a way that I never have before, no longer reliant on others to define the way I feel about myself. Finally, self-love had started to materialize into something tangible for me.

When I first started thinking about self-love in earnest, my mind went to Homer Simpson’s journey for inner enlightenment, which involved him reading the self-help book “Owning Your Okayness” (referenced titulary by this post). It’s absolutely silly, but this helped the idea of self-love finally take hold. Here I was, the living embodiment of a Simpsons joke – having to learn to be OK with myself, to learn how to love myself, to learn how to have grace for myself. I set up reminders to force myself to consciously do these things – notes on my bathroom mirror, mantras, journal prompts. I practiced daily mindfulness through yoga and meditation. Getting comfortable with the idea that I was in control of my own happiness was incredibly liberating, and I could finally begin to feel the weight of the world lift off my shoulders a little bit.

It is worth noting how the concept of self-love can be distorted (generally by influencers) to describe acting purely out of self-interest, or when it is deployed to defend harmful behavior. I believe this misrepresentation is what the cynic in me was latching onto when trying to parry away self-love as something that was unworthy of my time. Self-love is not a zero-sum game, nor is it an excuse to abdicate our responsibilities as community members. Central to the concept of self-love is showing others the same kindness, warmth, and grace that you show yourself. It’s easy to lose sight of the reality that how we treat others reflects how we view ourselves. Being mindful about this has changed how I view interactions with others, both as a contributor and a receiver. I now carry self-love with me as a guiding principle for how I engage with the world. With this new perspective I am finally optimistic about the future. The key was always in my own hands, after all.

The flip side of self-love is self-forgiveness, which requires a slightly different muscle to exercise. I discovered that in order to truly forgive others I have to learn to forgive myself first. That doesn’t mean to make excuses for things that were hurtful or to give a pass to problematic behavior. Practicing radical forgiveness allows me to examine the actions of myself and others and discern whether it’s something that needs to be changed. On a personal level, is it something that I need to improve upon or learn to leave behind? On an intrapersonal level, is it something that I need to keep in my life if I try to address it and it remains unchanged? Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting - it just means releasing the preoccupation with things that you can’t change that no longer serve you.