yoga saved my life

I wanted to start out the post with a content warning that it references suicide so folks can choose to navigate away from the page if they are not in the headspace to read it at this time.

This is something that I haven't shared with too many people, but realized that it's worth discussing because it could help someone who is going through a difficult time. Yoga saved my life, and I don't say that as an exaggeration.

Starting some time last year, I fell deep into a depressive episode and couldn't see a way out. I could barely get myself up in the morning to face the day. Every day seemed to blur together. Daily life left me worn out and chewed up. I followed every negative thought I had about myself down into the depths of my depression, spiraling out of control for hours some days. When people asked me how I was doing, I would usually give a stock response - a lie, of course - that I was OK or "hanging in there." The more accurate description was that I was hanging by a thread. For the first time in my life I felt like there wasn't a reason to continue to live.

I had practiced yoga in the past but my routine had fallen by the wayside, slipping away like most of my interests had during this period of depression. A colleague mentioned that they had taken a class recently, and suddenly the memories of the calmness and clarity that I experienced after a yoga class came rushing back. I was easily in the worst shape of my life, but I resolved myself to go to a class that week. What started as a once weekly habit grew to three days, then five days, and the next thing I knew I was practicing almost every day. The more I practiced, the more I felt the fog of my depression dissipate.

For me, the practice of yoga is more about the mental benefits than the physical. When I am on the mat, it's a rare opportunity for my mind to focus on something other than my anxieties. I have always struggled being present in the moment, but during a yoga flow I have no other choice. I find myself able to focus on my breathing and the way my body moves and feels. I am invigorated by the strength that the practice of yoga cultivates within me, in both body and mind. Yoga reminds me that moments of difficulty are temporary, and teaches me that I am capable of leaning into the discomfort and will be made more resilient for doing so.

I also found that interwoven within the practice of yoga were the same concepts that I was working on in therapy and on my healing journey. You might not know it from looking at me (you absolutely would know it), but I am not the most flexible person around. Prior to yoga, my stretching history was pretty much limited to the sit and reach during the presidential fitness test in grade school. Naturally, when it came to yoga, there was going to be a rather steep learning curve for me. Yoga has taught me not to be hard on myself if I fall out of a pose or if I can't do something and/or do it incorrectly. Rather than being self-critical for a moment of perceived failure, yoga has reframed how I view these blips and has allowed me to gently guide myself back to my path. When I carry this wisdom off the mat, things that previously would have sparked a cascading spiral of depression no longer have the same calamitous effect.

Yoga has helped me accept where I am in my journey without judgment. The spaces in which I practice have allowed me the comfort to laugh, cry, struggle, and (mostly) sweat on the mat without concern for how I am being perceived. Through my practice I have become more in touch with my breathing, found a mantra that has actually stuck, and felt a sense of community. While this entry does seem like me evangelizing the benefits of yoga - I'm not here to tell people that it's the cure-all for everyone. I believe every person has their own interest that can provide this kind of relief. Sometimes the most difficult part of finding your space is stepping out of your comfort zone in order to find it. Five years ago, I don't think I ever would have imagined myself where I am now.

Yoga didn't change the material conditions around me, and I'm not here to tell you that it can solve the dumpster fire of a reality that we are all currently toiling in. What it did do was provide me the strength and clarity of mind to wake up every day and stay in the fight. Each morning that I wake, I try to practice a moment of gratitude before I start the day. Yoga is always among the things that I am grateful for, and now I can say with confidence that I don't expect that to change.